


Letters To Dean

by melosophical



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Letters, M/M, Pining Castiel, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-01-16 11:56:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1346593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melosophical/pseuds/melosophical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel knows Dean can't hear his prayers. So he finds the next best thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hello, Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These first couple of chapters will be relatively short, but I promise, they will get much longer!

Hello Dean.

I'm not exactly sure how these things are suppose to work. I've never written a "letter". Why couldn't humans just wait til they saw each other next time? I'm not 100% sure. What I do know is, I can't wait.

There isn't much I can say right now. Not yet. So this "letter" is going to be quite short.

I'm not also sure of when I'll be sending this to you, or if I even send this at all. But I'd like to think it's still worth the try.

I'm writing this the day after Sam went into the Cage. I'm letting you know now that, he's alive. I brought him back. He still has a purpose, as well as you do. However, I'm afraid I have to keep it a secret for now. Not until the time is right. I'm sorry.

I hope to hear your prayers soon.  
Castiel


	2. At The Bar

Hello Dean.

I have no idea how long or short I'm supposed to be making these things. It's difficult to actually write with a pencil, so please forgive me of my handwriting.

You've gone home with Lisa. It's been about a month since everything happened. You appear to be doing well, but I know your thoughts. You're far from okay. She, along with Benjamin, is good for you.

I can hear your prayers, though I'm not ignoring you. I'll make myself known when the time is right. All I ask is that you be patient with me.

Sam is doing fine. I'm keeping up with him, though he's moving around quite a lot. 

I'm planning something. Something big. Everything is up in the air, as you would say.

I’ll talk to you soon.  
Castiel

 

_____________

 

Castiel signed his name, and looked at his letter with content. Folding it and stuffing it away in his coat pocket, he sits quietly at his table at a bar. It's a busy, local restaurant. Castiel picked this one specifically because it reminded him of the times Dean would come to one similar and pray to him.

 

He smiled.


	3. Old Preacher's Heaven

The crisp morning by a lake of an old preacher was one of Castiel’s favourite heaven to go to. He liked the simplicity of it. He sat quietly at a bench, taking glory in of his father’s work.

He began to ponder his past experiences. He remembers when man first learned to write and talk, exchanging goods for other necessities. He remembered when the Tower of Babel fell, caused by their sinful desires to reach heaven. Then Castiel remembered more recent things, like pulling Dean out of hell. He has even admitted to himself how strange of a day that was. Cas can recall originally expecting to find Dean on the rack, demons maniacally laughing as they slice away. But what he found instead, he will never forget. 

Even through all of that,however, he knows that Dean’s a good man. He's seen the deepest most intimate parts of Dean’s soul, sifted through the darkness and self-loathing and all the other negative aspects that Dean carries on his shoulders; because Dean always thinks the worst of himself. When he stitched him back together again, he saw every aspect of Dean’s soul and his goodness shone the brightest and despite everything that has happened he still believes in Dean. 

Cas glanced down at his hands, folded neatly in his lap.then stood up and walk inside a cabin. He found a paper and pen, and began to write.

 

________

 

Hello Dean

My apologies for forgetting to write. I’m guessing I would have to write on a more frequent basis. It’s been two weeks since my last letter, so I figure that’s an improvement, compared to the previous month absence.

You seem to be doing a little better. I wish I could be there for you to have someone to talk to. I’ve come to realize that at times like these, you feel better by talking to someone who knows what you’re already going through.

I’ve been to Heaven, and it’s far from okay. Raphael, he wants to bring the apocalypse back. But I won’t let him.

Until next time,  
Castiel


	4. Guilt

Hello Dean,

 

I’m proud that I’m remembering to write these letters. It’s quite the accomplishment, if I may say. It’s only been about 3 days since my last letter. Not much has changed.

Sam’s been praying quite a lot. I’m afraid I have to continue apologizing for not answering. He’s with an older gentleman by the name of Samuel? I’m not sure who he is or how they met.

Of course, not much has changed in the past three days, so I’m not too sure what else to say. Maybe something will come to mind. That’s something I could pray for.

 

Sincerely,  
Castiel

 

___

He spends most of his days in heaven, looking for other angels who would be more than willing to be on his side. Because God knows Cas needs all the help he can get.

When he’s not in heaven, he checks up on Sam. Making sure he’s doing well with this “Samuel” person. After he knows for a fact that Sam is okay, he checks up on Dean. He does this more times than none, frightened to find something that might hurt Dean or Lisa. He needs to be there in case someone gets hurt. 

As he watches Dean and Lisa in the kitchen, preparing dinner, Cas feels guilty. He has this desire to talk to Dean, even if he doesn’t hear it. However, he doesn’t really know what to talk about. Does he talk to Dean about him? Or does he want Dean to talk about himself? He becomes uneasy, unsure of how exactly things are going to change now that the apocalypse is over and Dean believes that Sam is still in the cage.

He knows one things for sure. It’s going to be a long while before he sends any of his letters to Dean.


	5. Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place just before season 6, episode 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the incredibly long delay in updating this fanfic. Life can get a bit crazy, and with season 12 just around the corner I'm super excited to get back into writing! Thank you for the kudos and comments!

Dean,

Things have taken an unexpected turn after I wrote my last letter, which was, unfortunately, quite a few months ago. Come to think of it, it's been nearly a year. Raphael has been recruiting dozens of angels, even hundreds. If I need to even think of beating him, I need more followers. But I guess, only time will tell.

I feel regret, Dean. I've heard your prayers before, but they've stopped for a long time. I'm worried if you've lost faith in me, or maybe you've just forgotten about me. I know you've found out about Sam, and some day you'll know everything. For now, as much as it pains me, I can't tell you anything. I have good intentions, but I need to stop Raphael from bringing back the apocalypse.

I hope to see you soon.

Cas

______________________

Castiel put down his pen, and sighed. Since his vessel is now his own, he's able to feel more things, both emotionally and physically. But he doesn't quite know why his heart feels heavy. Just then, he heard something.

_Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray to Castiel to get his feathery ass down here._

It was Dean. He knew it was. He felt his heart skip a beat, and he smiled.

 

 

 

 


	6. Trucker and Clarence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice quite a jump in dates between Castiel's letters, and it's only because so much has happened between when I first started writing and now. So I can't wait to write based on more recent episodes!  
> Cas, I feel like, was quite busy in season 7 and 8, so this is why this chapter will jump right to the beginning of season 9. Enjoy!

Cas was exhausted. Everything hurts and nothing seems to be okay. The days have become a blur and it's difficult to tell just how long it's been since he's lost his grace. Each day feels like two rolled into one, and that confuses him. Being human, he ponders, is extremely burdensome and Cas has no idea how Dean can't be suicidal by now. Maybe he has and has gotten over it? Castiel doesn't really know, but he makes a mental note to ask Dean later.

By now, Cas has moved to three different towns in the last 2 weeks. Hundreds, possibly thousands of angels are desperately looking for him. As he hitch hikes into the cabin of a truck, he recalls his stay at a home run by one of the kindest people he's ever met.

The family of four had seen him seeking food in trash bins, and the two wives offered a home cooked meal. Later on, one of the wives, Olivia, shared the story of her father being homeless many years ago; a priest bought him lunch and offered a warm bed for two weeks, or at least, until he found a job. A few years later, he married the love of his life and were already expecting Olivia. Castiel often thought of this loving tale and he hoped events similar would transpire in his own life. 

It was late in the evening, and he was tired. The driver of the pick up truck wore a red plaid shirt, had a plentiful beard and an awful singing voice. Castiel simply told him to drop him off at the nearest homeless shelter at around 6 in the morning. 

Castiel remembered of the letters he used to write to Dean. He's kept them all somewhere safe. He asked the man, Liam, if he had some paper and a writing utensil.

"Uh sure, it's in the glove compartment there." Liam replied.

He quickly located the notepad and pen, and began to write.

 

____________________

 

Hello, Dean.

Angels are looking for me, seeking revenge. It was my fault, Dean. I can't believe how I could have been so naive, so oblivious to Metatron's deceitful tricks. I was only trying to help my brothers and sisters, but of course, I mess everything up and have proved myself a failure. 

I already miss you and Sam. Mostly you, though. I want to go back to the bunker, but I'm not sure if I should. Every thing I care about seems to fall apart and I don't want you two to get in the way . If you ever got hurt, I don't know how I could live with myself any more.

Sincerely,

Cas

 

____________________

"Who you writin' to?" questioned Liam.

He had a curious look upon his face. Not that he was nosy, or anything. He simply noticed the kind of look on Clarence's face, the look for longing love. 

"A good friend, whom I haven't seen in a while.." Cas' voice trailed off. The physical pain in his chest began to arise once again. He becomes puzzled, and rubs his hand on his chest.

"You alright there, man? Got a pain in your chest or something'?"

"I'm not quite sure to be honest.. Being human has become more and more difficult and I just haven't found how to cope with it all. Urinating is probably my least favorite thing to do.." 

Remorse trailed throughout his words; Liam looked at him like he had three heads. 

"Uh, yeah. That part sucks too?"

They remained quiet after that. Cas stuck the letter in his jacket pocket's, rested his head against the window, and fell asleep.

Castiel likes sleeping.


	7. Vulnerability

Hello Dean,

I keep forgetting to send these off to you. Maybe I'll just give them to you all at once, I'm not sure. Actually, knowing you, you and Sam may not want the post office knowing where the bunker is. So much goes on whenever you and I meet, and giving you a couple of papers never seems appropriate.

It's been a while since I last saw you. I can never repay you for bargaining with the reaper to bring me back. But I'm going to be honest with you, Dean. The reason you kicked me out of the bunker.. it just doesn't make sense, it didn't seem like you. I feel hurt, betrayed almost. And no matter what I try to do, try to think, I get upset. I was looking forward to spending time with the both of you so that I could learn what it truly means to be human. However, learning everything on my own can provide a certain amount of strength in character.

I'll never get used to feeling so vulnerable towards my own feelings.

I wish things were different. But for now, I'll end this letter; I need to get ready for work.

Take care of yourself, Dean. You always forget to do that sometimes.

Cas


End file.
